ƒnƒCƒ‰ƒCƒg‚Í"I'm not even here."

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How I met your mother ƒV[ƒYƒ“9yŒ´‘čzUnpause

So... Barney will answer any question we ask him with the truth?

I think so.

Honey... when that Bryan Adams song came on the radio, did two mosquitoes really fly into your eyes at the same time?

No. I got all choked up thinking about how everything he does, he does it for her.

choke up â‹ĺ‚ˇ‚é

Checks out. Okay, what next? I mean, it's... it's so hard to know where to begin. I mean, there are so many...

What did you do to my mom?!

Well, that night, we were in my car...

I was wrong! I can't handle this! Uh, just tell me in baseball terms.

terms —pŒę

I got thrown out trying to stretch a single into a double.

get thrown out •ú‚čo‚ł‚ę‚é

I can live with that.

How about that time you walked into the bar wearing Triple-X-Ray Goggles?

Well, hello, you two lovely ladies.

What are you wearing?

Oh, hey, Robin, didn't see you there. Just Triple-X-Ray Goggles, no big deal.

Oh... There is no way those things work.

I'm not even here. Just act natural. Right. 'Cause that jacket's made of lead.

not even here ‘śÝ‚ľ‚Č‚˘

Those things didn't work, did they?

Absolutely. Lily's boobs always work for me. Oh, the goggles? No.

Next question. You keep saying ring bear instead of ring bear-er. Will there or will there not be a bear at our wedding?

The truth is... aggle flaggle klabble. Wumby flappy snurp...

Oh, my God, he's dipped back down to Jabba drunk! Give him another drink!

dip down —Ž‚ż‚é

Come on.

Oh, yeah, baby. I could go all night.

I can't hold out much longer! What are the least arousing things I can think of?

hold out ‘Ď‚Ś‚é arousing ŠŻ”\“I‚Č

ô Day-old roadkill ô Ah, yeah... ô Fingernail ô Fingernail clippings ô That is some dull stuff ô How your TMJ night guard smells in the morning ô ô Nasty ô Bugs...

It's working! It's working! Uh-oh, it's working too well. Think sexy thoughts. Think sexy thoughts!

ô Bugs with boobs...

Marshall, are you all right? You don't seem to be, um...

Please, uh, excuse Medium-Sized Fudge.

6 and 3/64 inches.

Yeah, he's back to telling the truth.

Okay, Barney, how are you always able to do that magic trick where you make doves appear?

Special dehydrated birds I get in Chinatown.

I knew it!

Okay. Okay. Will there or will there not be a bear at our wedding?

The truth is...

Barney...

Oh, come on!

I know that you always say that you don't need any kind of help in bed, but if you, um...

I always keep these on hand. But be careful. When you go off, there's a kickback like a cannon.

Thank you.

How much a year do you spend on suits?

Kids, I won't bother you with the number... but it was a crapload.

crapload ‘˝Šz

Around one crapload.

That much? Well... aren't you concerned about your future?

Nope. Especially since Robin is massively wealthy.

Barney!

What? You're rich? L-Like how rich?

It's my family's money, not mine. I-I don't really know how much.

How much is her family worth?

6,000 craploads. Canadian craploads.

That much?!But when we dated, I paid for everything.

You didn't pay for everything.

He paid for everything.

I pick up our bar tab all the time.

Three times in the last nine years.

I took you out to tons of four-star restaurants.

Two-star restaurants.

Figuring, on average, two meals out a week plus 20% tip...

12 and a half percent tip.

Do you know how much money you cost me?

What am I? A prostitute?

You are not a prostitute.

No, a prostitute would've been cheaper.

Depends on the prostitute.

Wait, hold on, Ted What are we doing?

You're arguing about Robin's wealth when you really should be asking me embarrassing questions.

He's right. Let's do this.

And so we did it. We asked Barney all the questions we'd always wanted to.

In one night? Four.

In one family? Three.

Yes, but not while she was secretary of state.

Yes, but not while she was secretary of state.

Just once. With a French male model Henri. It was late. We were the last two people in the club. I was lonely and I figured, why not try it? That was the only time I ever split a cab.

Yes, but not the M.I.T. you're thinking of. The Magician's Institute of Teaneck.

I've had sex in Ted's bed 14 times.

I asked if you wear shoulder pads.

I think I've just got one question left. And it's a biggie. Barney Stinson... ...what do you do for a living?

You did it. You banged your wife to sleep. Nice job... Still-Big Fudge.

I wuv you, Mommy.

Unpause.

Kids, in all the time we knew Barney, there was one question he would always answer the same way.

Seriously, what is it that you do?

Please.

Okay, seriously.

What do you do for a living?

Please.

Are you finally gonna tell me exactly what your job is?

Please.

So, naturally, this was a pretty big moment for us.

Well, what do you do for a living?

Please.

God, he's not telling us. More booze.

Not so fast, princess. I guess subtle clues and the bar tab are two things you just don't pick up. Because... I think he is telling us. Tell us more about this job.

subtle ‰s‚˘

Well, as you know, back in my hippie days, a business man came into my coffee shop, told me money was all that mattered, and stole my girlfriend. That's when I decided to become awesome. But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, I went to the one person from whom I knew I could learn everything.

Do we know each other, bro?

We're all connected in Gaia's great tapestry of... No. We don't. Bro.

Wow, you went to M.I.T. Pretty impressive.

I did get a perfect score on the A.C.T.'s.

Advanced Card Tricks.

Well, look, buddy. You got a sweet resume. But we don't have any openings you're qualified for.

opening Œ‡ˆő qualified for “K”C‚Ĺ‚ ‚é

They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap!

We have one opening you'd be perfect for.

Great. What do I do?

Please.

Provide Legal Exculpation And Sign Everything. Just show up every day, scribble your name on a bunch of documents, and we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. Deets are in the contract. I'll give you time to think about it.

I'll take it.

Hold on. Did you even read this before signing it?

No.

You're hired. We'll work on that.

Wait. That's your job? You sign sketchy, legally binding documents that could implicate you for God knows what?

Best job ever, right?

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