Barney: So, this chick and I are going at it behind the Central Park Zoo. The Bonobo chimps start giving us a standing O, and just when I'm about to give her the same thing... What up?... I... I can't. I just... I can't. Guys, I know you count the minutes until you can escape from your humdrum lives by hearing how awesome mine is, and I love doing that for you, but I just can't tonight.
count the minutes 指折り待つ humdrum 退屈な
Robin: What's wrong?
Barney: I don't want to talk about it.
Robin: Okay. Hey, you guys see Deadliest Catch last night?
Ted: Did I ever! Deadliest Catch ever!
Barney: All right, I'll tell you! My mother is selling the house I grew up in. All of my childhood memories gone, just like that!
Ted: That sucks. I've been there, buddy.
Marshall: What are you talking about? Your mother still lives in the house you grew up in.
Ted: With her new hippie husband, Clint. The comfort of home is a little ruined when someone turns your old room into what I'm pretty sure is a Tantric sex temple. With all the bamboo, pot smoke and '60s music, it's like my old G.I. Joes are frozen in some weird Vietnam flashback.
Barney: Anyway, I need you guys to come out to Staten Island on Saturday and help box everything up.
Lily: You expect us to spend a whole day packing up your mom's house?
Barney: Of course not. It's a two-day job.
Barney: You guys are adorable. You seriously believe that I, Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this? I got the Queen to give me a fist bump.
Ted: No one believes that story.
Lily: You may be able to talk the brain surgeons you pick up into doing whatever you want, but it's not gonna work on us.
Lily: How did he do that?
Narator: So there we were helping Barney pack up his childhood home.
Barney: Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing is way too big to fit in that box.
Ted: Yeah, that's what your mom said.
Barney: How dare you!
Ted: No, she actually said that.
Lauretta: Oh, dear, I thought I told you, that's just not going to fit in there.
James: Someone order something tall, dark and awesome?
Ted: How you doing?
Lauretta: Oh, my goodness!
Lauretta: Look at my two sons. So big and strong and handsome.
Barney: Mom. Stop.
Lauretta: And how is my delicious little grandson?
Barney: Oh, did he get the clothes I sent him?
James: Check it. Huh? How cute is that, right? When was the last time you saw a diaper poking out of a Dolce and Gabana suit?
Barney: Tuesday at work. Some of the senior partners are really getting up there.
Robin: So, Ted, yesterday at work, I totally talked you up to that super-hot makeup girl, Liz.
Ted: Oh yeah? Mm-hmm. What did you say?
Robin: Oh, you know, how funny you are...
Ted: Who, me?
Robin: Incredible lover.
Robin: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was all like, "He knows a woman's body better than she knows her own, endless waves of pleasure just cresting and breaking for hours and hours..." Blah, blah, blah. "Orgasms so intense that you just black out." All that stuff.
crest 頂点に達する intense 強烈な
Ted: Robin, how can I possibly live up to that review?
live up to そう
Robin: What? You know what you're doing down there.
Ted: Oh, Teddy Westside can bring it. We know this.But that is not the point. I mean, you broke the first rule of setting people up undersell. It's like, if someone's never seen The Karate Kid, you don't say, "It's the greatest movie ever." You say, "Uh, it's pretty good" And then they see it, it blows their freakin' mind. Because Cobra Kai sensei's all like, "Sweep the leg!" And Daniel-san's all like...
Robin: Maybe I did oversell you a bit.
James: Thank you guys so much for helping us out with this stuff.
Lily: Oh, it gives us a rare insight into the makings of Barney Stinson. Like, look at this. Who was a cute little basketball player before he became the biggest pervert in the world?
Barney: I loved Pee Wee basketball. Well, until they kicked me off the team... I was so awesome, the coach asked me to quit because it wasn't fair to the other kids.
Marshall: That sounds plausible.
Barney: Hey. It's true. Tell him, James.
James: Oh, yeah, he had, like, a four-foot vertical leap. He would hit it from the outside, hit it from the inside... He sucked. Coach cut him from the team, and Mom fed him that story so he'd feel better.
Barney: Oh, my God! Look at this. My letter from the Postmaster General. I still can't believe he took the time to write this...
Barney: Dear Barney...
Postmaster General: I sincerely apologize about losing all the invitations you sent out to your eighth birthday party. That's why none of your classmates showed up. Not because you threw up when they turned the lights off at the Planetarium. No one even noticed that. Also, Janey Masterson's mother is a whore, and with gin on her breath at 10:00 in the morning, she's got some nerve kicking us out of the carpool. Love, Postmaster General. [END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Thank you.
Marshall: Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot?
James: Constantly. I mean, she put more effort into some lies than others.
Barney: Mom? Who's my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Loretta: Oh, I don't know... That guy.
Robin: Did she tell you that Bob Barker was your dad, too?
James: No. No, no. I heard Flip Wilson, Bill Cosby, James Earl Jones, Meadowlark Lemon... The list goes on. I still can't get a straight answer about who my real dad is. And Barney's no help. He still believes every lie that my mom told us growing up. Not me. I caught on early. Careful! Michael Jackson sent me this glove for my tenth...
Ted: Damn. Loretta really lied a lot to her kids.
Lily: Well, she's not alone. Whenever Marshall was acting too hyper, his mom would suddenly decide he was "sick" and give him cough medicine until he passed out.
Marshall: I'm pretty sure that's what stunted my growth. I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade, and then I just stopped.
Lily: And then there's the most popular parental lie in history. Santa.
Marshall: Yeah, but that's a good lie. Like when we tell Ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down.
Ted: I always find that reassuring.
Marshall: You will meet her, buddy.
Ted: You think so?
Lily: Santa's still a lie, and I'm not lying to our kids.
Marshall: Baby, it's Santa. Don't you want our kids going to sleep on Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope, their heads full of crazy cough syrup nightmares, knowing that downstairs Kris Kringle is stuffing their stockings full of joy and stuffing his belly full of milk and lutefisk that they left him?
Lily: Milk and lutefisk? Santa doesn't get cookies in Minnesota?
Marshall: Yeah, that's just what Santa needs at 3:00 a.m. when he's battling a snowstorm over the Rockies: a sugar crash. No. Santa needs protein.
Lily: I'm not lying to our kids.