Narator: The next night, Robin and Brad went to a hockey game.
Robin: You're probably wondering why I've been quiet all night.
Robin: Damn it, Hordichuk! You miss another gimme like that, I'm gonna come down there and put a slapper right up your beerhole! Come on!
Brad: Not really.
Robin: The truth is, I feel kind of weird being out with you.
Brad: Oh, man. Is this the talk?
Brad: No, this is good. Let's get it all out of the way. Robin, I'm looking for something serious.
Robin: No, Brad, no, it's...
Brad: But before we go any further, you should know something about my stuff below the belt. I was born a little different.
Robin: God, no... Brad, no... This is about me and Barney.
Brad: You and Barn... oh, so you guys are...
Robin: Well, we don't know what we are. I mean, my heart says "leap into it." My brain says "it's a bad idea."
leap into 飛び込む
Brad: Sounds like you guys need to have the talk.
Barney: We're not gonna have the talk.
Marshall: Would you just have the talk, okay? It's a five-minute conversation, and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted.
Ted: I don't think the talk is necessary.
Barney: Thank you, Ted.
Ted: Because Robin is already his girlfriend.
Ted: MacLaren's Bar, four years ago...
Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple, the rules for girls are the same as the rules for gremlins.
Barney: Gremlins. Rule number 1. Never get them wet. In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place. Number 2. Keep them away from sunlight. I.E. Don't ever see them during the day. And rule number 3, never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her ever.
Ted: What about brunch? Is brunch cool?
Barney: No, Ted. Brunch is not cool.
Ted: OK, new topic. How do I pick a tie?
Barney: Simple. Remember in the movie Predator...
Barney: I've done all three of those things with Robin. Is she my girlfriend?
Marshall: Just once, I wish you guys would call me on Tuxedo Night.
Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, time to pucker up for the New York Rangers Kiss Cam!
Brad: Okay, how about this. If you kiss me, and you feel bad about it, you're meant to be with Barney.
Robin: Why not? Lay it on me.
Barney: Hey Brad! Brad, we can't fight like this all night! We both got some good shots in. Let's call a truce!
Brad: It's okay, dude. I shouldn't go kissing some other guy's girlfriend.
Barney: Wow, wow, wow, Girlfriend? Hey, come on.
Robin: That's putting it a bit strongly.
Barney: A bit strongly. She's not my girlfriend.
Robin: A gifriend's a bit much, Brad, okay?
Lily: Okay, seriously. We're at the point of physical violence. Now, will you please have the talk?
Barney: Because of that? Come on. That's my thing. I'm always punching guys. Girls... I'll punch a baby. I don't care.
Narator: Finally, my first class had arrived. For real this time. I knew I had to make a strong impression. I had thought of everything. Except...
Ted: Wait. Does professor have one "F" or two? Oh, my God... Oh, my God! Professor. Pro-fess-or. They're all staring at me. I don't know. Just do something! Two "F's". That looks right. I think that's right.
Barney: Hey, sorry I went little too far last night.
Robin: We've been over this. Unless I say "flugelhorn" you haven't gone too far.
Barney: No, I meant punching Brad.
Robin: Right. Look, don't even worry about it. It's... God. The doorknob's broken off. We're locked in here. Did, did you do this?
Robin: Flugelhorn. Did you do this?
Robin: Ted, are you out there?
Lily: Ted's not here, Robin.
Robin: Lily, let us out of here.
Lily: I'd be glad to. Just as soon as you and Barney have the talk.
Robin: Lily! Come on. Let us out!
Lily: No. Sit down, define the relationship, write down that definition on a piece of paper, slip it under the door, and if I like what I read, you can go.
Barney: We are not having the talk!
Lily: Then you'll die in there.
Robin: You're gonna lock us in here? Well, guess what? Maybe we'll spend the whole day having sex!
Lily: Well, guess what? I brought Marshall with me, so maybe we'll do the same.
Marshall: Hey, guys.
Narator: I still hadn't decided what kind of professor I wanted to be...authoritative or cool guy. I thought I would decide in the moment. And I did. About 20 times.
Ted: Good morning. 'Sup, dudes? Silence! This is Architecture 101. I am Professor Mosby. But you can call me Ted. Professor Mosby. T-Dawg. Do not call me T-Dawg.
Barney: Never take questions on the first day. It shows weakness. Also, don't look right here. Okay, good luck. Byesies.
Narator: This was it, my crossroads moment. What kind of professor was I gonna be. I had to decide.
Ted: Please save all your questions until the end of the lecture. Thank you! Now...
Narator: Professor Mosby had arrived. Of course, if I had taken that girl's question... who, by the way, was not your mom. Your mom was sitting... Wait, let me finish this real quick. Here's what that girl would have said.
Blond girl: I'm sorry to bother you, Professor Mosby, but this isn't Architecture 101. This is Economics 305. You're in the wrong classroom.
Narator: Yes, I was in the wrong classroom. And thus began the most humiliating seven minutes of my life.
Ted: Here's your think-about-it for the day. Every single person in this room... is already an architect.
A girl: Architect?