I heard this great joke at work.
Dude, come on.She's not gonna like it.It's boy-funny.It's not girl-funny.
That is sexist! Funny is funny, Ted.Lily's cool.She'll appreciate this.
You're on your own, man.
You're on your own 好きにしろ
Just tell me the joke.
Okay.Ready? Lily, what's the difference between peanut butter and jam? See? It's funny.
She's not gonna like it.
Why don't you let me decide? What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
And then Barney said the punch line.To this day, it's still the dirtiest joke I've ever heard in my life.And no, I'm not gonna say it.
punch line おち
Yeah, I can't hang out with you anymore.
Oh, come on.That's a funny joke.
That Told you.
She'll be back.
And we didn't see Lily for four weeks.
Kids, after getting laid off, I was finally pursuing my lifelong dream: Starting my own architecture firm.All I needed was some clients.
I think it's so great that you're striking out on your own, Ted.I admire that.
strike out on one's own 独立する
Thanks.And thanks for being so cool with me using the apartment.
Yeah, of course.Anything you need.
Small thing, do you mind not watching television during business hours?
This isn't working!
I'm sorry.It's just, I.I can't concentrate while Wheel of Fortune is A penny saved is a Penny Marshall! Yes!
Ted, I know you're nervous, but you've got to stop procrastinating.You've spent the last two days choosing the official pen of Mosbius Designs.
I've made some progress! I've eliminated felt-tip.Who am I kidding? Felt's back in the ballgame.
Hey.You hear there's gonna be more layoffs?
I know.I'm freaking out.Are you worried?
Are you kidding? The things I know about this company.I won't ever be fired.There's a pretty good chance one day I'll wash up on shore with no fingerprints or teeth, but I won't be fired.
wash up on 流れ着く shore 海岸
I wish I had your confidence.
Look, you just need a way to make yourself absolutely essential.
Well, I work harder than anyone in my division.
Yeah.Keeping your job has nothing to do with hard work.You need a thing.
What do you mean, a thing?
You know, something that makes you fun and well-liked, like Marcus Denisco.
Marcus Denisco worked in account services and was perhaps the most expendable employee at the company.
I brought some donuts.They're probably stupid.
But eventually, he came to be known as Food Guy!
Who wants some pulled pork? Of course you do! Come on!
I love Food Guy.They could never lay him off.You know what I love about Food Guy? He always has food.
He always has food.See? That's what you need.You need that thing that makes you a guy.
I have that thing that makes me a guy.Maybe even a guy and a half.
Not that thing.You know, a thing.Like Toy Guy.
Guys, bad news.As your HR rep, I got to review the new overtime scheduling policy with you.The good news is we're gonna do it while wearing Wolverine claws! Section 5A: Overtime will no longer be paid at time and a half.This is awesome!
time and a half 5割増賃金
I love Toy Guy.
See? You need a thing.Like YouTube Clip Guy.
You're right.I do need a thing.
But choose wisely.You don't want to be Creepy Back Rub Guy.
Don't fill up.Food Guy's got panna cotta in his office.
You're so tight.
I was relaxed about two seconds ago.
Hi.Welcome to Mosbius Designs.
Who the hell are you?
I'm PJ, Mr.Mosby's assistant.
Ted, What the hell is going on?
I'm sorry.We do not interrupt Mr.Mosby during his brainstorming hour.
It's okay, PJ.That's Robin.She lives here.
I'm sorry for the disturbance, sir.Do you need anything else?
I wouldn't say no to a cup of coffee.
You're right there!
So now, Ted has an assistant to help him not do anything.
Hey, PJ's been a huge help to me, setting up the office, designing the Web site.And in return, I'm mentoring a bright young mind.
in return お礼として
Yes, the mentoring.
I want you to go outside today and simply put your hands on buildings.All right? Feel the concrete pulse.Listen Listen to the stories the stones are telling you.And pick up my dry cleaning.
I will.Thank you so much, Mr.Mosby.
Hey Ted, This table just told me you're a douche.
This whole mentoring thing is just another way to procrastinate from actually calling clients.
I'm not procrastinating.I just I want everything to be perfect, okay? I only get one shot at this.
only get one shot at やり直しが利かない
Fine, but PJ is not helping.
If Ted says that PJ is important to the company, then PJ is not going anywhere.
See? He's very valuable.
PJ's a guy? PJ's not some hot chick you're banging?
No, I'm mentoring him.
Mentoring.I mentored a young fellow once.Even made him my wingman.Then, one day, he hired an assistant to work ten feet from his bedroom who get this isn't a hot chick, proving he never listened to a word I said.And do you know that young man's name?
Maybe.I don't remember.Because he is dead to me! PJ's gonna be getting a very confusing card in the mail, along with a garment that he should by no means wear for three days and then mail back to me.
I thought of a "thing" to make me more essential here.I'm Eco Guy, 'cause everybody loves a guy who recycles, right?
Fired.What else you got?
I thought of a few others: Wacky Tie Guy.
Daily Fun Fact Guy?
Did you know that you're fired?
I Know a Good Stretch for That Guy?
Monty Python Guy?
We are the knights who say You're fired.
Wait! Wait! I did used to run a fantasy baseball league back in law school.
That's not bad.You might be on to something.
Awesome.Awesome! I'll be Fantasy Guy!
We'll have to make you Sports Guy.We already have a Fantasy Guy.
What's up, bros?