ƒnƒCƒ‰ƒCƒg‚Í"Ted and Barney's New Year's Eve wasn't off to a great start, either."

New Year's Eve

ŠCŠOƒhƒ‰ƒ}‚ʼnpŒęƒŠƒXƒjƒ“ƒOŠwK’†

How I met your mother ƒV[ƒYƒ“7yŒ´‘čzTailgate

Kids, on New Year's Day 2012, Uncle Marshall took a trip to Minnesota to see someone he truly missed.

Hey, Pop.I can't believe it's been a year.I think the most appropriate way to honor your memory today is to get blasted and watch the Vikings make the Bears their furry little bitches.Go, Vikes! .Sorry for your loss.Which is what we'll be saying to the Bears in about three hours, right, Pop?

appropriate way “KŘ‚Č•ű–@ get blasted ”ń“ď‚đŽó‚Ż‚é

Kids, tailgating at the Vikings-Bears game was a tradition for Uncle Marshall and his dad.

That's how the government covered up the UFO crash in Roswell: by canning the sliced up alien carcasses and calling it Spam.

Wow.Is there anything you don't know, Dad?

No.I know most stuff.

And in your honor three decades of pork fat, lighter fluid and Bengay.Dear God, that's the stuff.So much to catch you up on.So, last night was New Year's Eve.That's a crazy story.

So you haven't told your dad that you're pregnant yet?

No.But why should I? My dad has never been there for me.This is just another chance for him to let me down.

Lily, you have to tell him.

He's at some board game convention in Chicago.

He's your dad.

I don't see why people aren't getting this.Shoplifter does not promote crime.It celebrates it.

Hey, Dad.I'm, uh, calling with some pretty big news.I'm pregnant.

Great.Thanks.

Anyway, Dad, Ted and Barney's New Year's Eve wasn't off to a great start, either.

off to a great start ‚˘‚˘ƒXƒ^[ƒg‚đŘ‚é

Hey.Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.It's 50 bucks, and the line starts out there.

Uh, we're regulars.

Oh, in that case, the line starts out there, and it's 50 bucks.You got a problem with that?

Kids, here's why we didn't have a problem with that.And he was even scarier without the toupee.

No problem.

It's a little drafty.We'll get you a nice hot cocoa.

Check it out.Sandy Rivers' New Year's Eve show.Thank God I don't have to produce this frozen pile of poo.

How'd you dodge that bullet?

Well, maybe Tina, the producer, he, uh, picked, is more talented than I am at lying down while Sandy does his business on her.

Does it bother you that this pervert's on the air, and you're not anymore? Do you miss it?

pervert •ĎŽżŽŇ

What? Why would why would I miss it? No.I would rather be warm and cozy here in denial-my apartment.

Robin, I'm no therapist-wait, yes, I am-but I've got a New Year's resolution for you.Get back on camera.Mine was going to be make a sex tape, so two birds.

Hold that thought.

Hello? Sandy?

Tina quit.The woman I love just quit.

Love?

She's my everything, Robin.My sun, my stars, my oxygen.Plus, she likes it fast and dirty, and that's how Sandy rides.I need you here ASAP.

Are you kidding me? Marcus? What the heck are you doing here?

What the heck are you doing here?

I wanted to see Dad today-in private.

Well, I had the same idea, and I drove all the way from Mom's, so get lost.

I flew here, so you get lost.

Um, I'm trying to have a poignant moment with our departed father, turd face.

poignant Š´“Ž“I‚Č

Well, I'm trying to feel Dad's spirit flow through my soul, butt breath.

I'm reaching out to the beyond to touch Dad's inner light, ass clown.

I hear Dad's voice like an ethereal song guiding me toward salvation, douche nozzle.

ethereal ‚ą‚̐˘‚ĆŽv‚Ś‚Č‚˘ guiding “ą‚­ salvation ‹~Ď

Dibs on Dad.

Dibs on Dad times infinity.

Oh!

Ooh.I'll just pretend like you're not here.

What? Dad, do you hear something? Perhaps the high-pitched whine of someone who wet their bed until they were 11!

Ten.

Anyway, Dad, since it's just the two of us Lily and I were going to spend New Year's unpacking the baby room.

Um, sweetie, why is this book in here?

That's Enigmas of The Mystical.It's all about mysterious and unexplained phenomena.Don't you remember the TV commercials from the '80s?

June 17th, 1983.

Tempe, Arizona.A woman makes a chicken salad sandwich.

Chicken salad sandwich.

Halfway across the country in Michigan, her daughter is compelled to make almost exactly the same sandwich.

compelled to ‚š‚´‚é‚đ“ž‚Č‚˘

Tuna salad.

Coincidence? Or an enigma of the mystical!

Yeah, those enigmas always seemed a bit thin to me.

thin ŕ“ž—Í‚É–R‚ľ‚˘

Thin?

Lily, this is 200 pages of detailed accounts about Bigfoot, ghosts, aliens abducting people from their beds and probing them.I'm going to read it to Baby Eriksen at night-night.

probing Œľ–§‚Č’˛¸

You really want to read our kid bedtime stories about monsters?

First of all, I wouldn't use the M word.Only they can call themselves that.And secondly, are you really saying you don't want to raise our child as a believer?

I don't want to brainwash our child to believe in something with no proof.

brainwash ô”]‚ˇ‚é

It's not about proof; it's about faith.Faith is what gives life shape and meaning.I mean, if there aren't yetis or leprechauns, what's the point of even getting up in the morning?

I don't know.Wife, unborn child, drop a deuce?

Lily, don't you think it's a bit narcissistic not to allow for something bigger than us out there? Something whose beauty and power and majesty humbles us?

narcissistic ŽŠŒČ“ŠŒ“I‚Č humble ‚đ‚¨‚Ć‚ľ‚ß‚é

God?

Werewolves.

So, as the countdown to 212 continues, a quick warning, America: Tina Henderson is a soulless bitch who will stomp on your heart.I need you back, Tina.I love you.

Well, if that's as bad as it gets, we might be okay.

Bathroom break.

Oh, good.It's on the Jumbotron.

Oh, finally.

Yeah, that'll be 100 backs each.

What? You said 50.

That was before the place got crowded.Okay? It's New Year's Eve.People get rowdy and break stuff.The cover protects us.Plus, you get these festive hats.For an additional 15.

get rowdy ‘›‚Ž

They're wet.

Dry ones are 20.

That's it.Don't bother, everybody.MacLaren's is a rip-off!

rip-off ź‹\

You'd all be better off coming upstairs to my place for a beer.

Hey, dude.You serious?

Ted, do you remember a couple yea ago, we had the best idea of a time?

We should buy a bar.

Of course! We could buy a bar! The name of our bar? Puzzles.People will be like, Why is it called Puzzles? That's the puzzle.

A bar where no one's overcharged, where everyone feels valued and respected.

A bar where we get chicks drunk and bang them.

We're opening Puzzles tonight.

Of course we're opening Puzzles tonight!

Aren't you going to ask us why it's called Puzzles?

Nope.

Okay.

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