So Watch it.Don't get any closer.
It's It's cool.It's cool.
He naked-muggered you?
I'm not gonna ask where he was keeping the gun.
Are we sure it was a gun?
No, guys.I was walking home from work, through Central Park, and I stopped at the zoo.
Watch it.Don't get any closer.
Oh! It's cool.It's cool.
You're telling us
That you got mugged
By a monkey.I got mugged by a monkey.
You got mugged by a monkey?
Yep.I got mugged by a monkey.I was embarrassed, so I made up the other story.But the point is, Lily, you don't need a gun.
Forget about the gun.We're on this now.
Wow, monkeys are mugging people now? It really is a jungle out there.
Oh, my God.That monkey has our address.What if he's in a gang? I hope he doesn't do a swing by.
Why didn't you just ask the zookeeper to get your wallet back?
'Cause I saw what the monkey was doing with it, and I didn't really want it after that.
Hey, guys.What's up?
Oh! Some new information has come to light on Marshall's mugging.
Oh, really? Did they catch the guy?
Well, he's behind bars.
Well, where did they find him?
I'm guessing naked in a tree, throwing his own feces.
Oh.I've seen that guy.See, that's why I take cabs.
You know how they caught him, right?
There was a tail on him.
There was a tail on him!
Okay, what is going on?
All right, Robin, here's what happened.
No, no, no, no, no.Let me tell it.It's my story.You see, young Marshall was at the zoo, eating a banana.
No, I wasn't eating a banana.If you're gonna tell it, tell it right.
You're right.The banana was on the ground.
There was no banana.There was no There was no banana.
Marshall, I apologize.Truly.Robin, here's what happened.
Oh, God.Oh, God, don't shoot.
There was no banana!
Come on, Barney.I know Marshall didn't get mugged by a monkey.
That part he got right.What? Guys, this is not an uncommon thing, okay? In Thailand, in China, in Costa Rica, people get mugged by monkeys all the time.Monkeys are gatherers.Because of their inter-social dynamics, having a predisposition towards stealing gives one a genetic advantage.
You were mugged by a monkey.
Maybe he was just curious.Were you wearing a yellow hat?
Marshall, in all seriousness, this is a great story.I mean, can I interview you about it on my show?
What? He gets to be on your show? What about my model?
No one wants to see a guy come on my show and play with dolls.
Okay, first of all, that is not what it is.And second of all, you just had a guy on your show playing with dolls.
So, your dolls are favored to win at the Rhinebeck Collector Awards next month.
Only if they behave themselves.Last year, I found one of them cavorting with a G.I.Joe.It's not funny.What were you thinking? What if you'd gotten pregnant?
And you invited him back for a follow-up interview!
Only because the FBI asked us to keep him occupied while they searched his house.Come on, Marshall, I need the story.It's got everything.Crime, monkeys, no stupid model of the Empire State Building that takes up my entire living room and makes the whole place smell like glue.Come on.Do this for me, as a friend.
It'd be fun to see you on TV.
Okay, can you promise to present it in a way that doesn't make a joke out of the fact that I got mugged by a monkey?
You got mugged by a monkey.
Oh, my God!
I just got mugged!
Is what I was saying to this girl at the bar earlier.
It was completely terrifying.I just want to forget this ever happened and try to move on with my life.
Oh, you poor thing.
Lady, my name's not Neil.It's Ba -
Why are you calling him Neil?
Because that's his name.He's Neil Armstrong.
I thought you were supposed to be on a shuttle mission.
I thought you just got mugged.
Okay, I can do this.You see, I was on my way to the launch pad when I was mugged.And the mugger took my space shuttle keys.Nailed it.Who's up for a three-way?
And it was the best three-way ever.
Strange, 'cause you look like you just had two vodka tonics thrown in your face.
You have lime in your hair.
The story's better with my ending Just Okay? So, there we are, zero gravity.The three of us wearing nothing but space helmets.
You won't believe it.I pitched the monkey mugger story to my producer, and he loves it!
I mean, who's ever heard of a guy getting mugged by a monkey?
No one, except for the good people of Thailand, China, Costa Rica, and plenty of other countries where monkey crime is an extremely common nuisance.
Well, the best part is, he said that it might get picked up to go national.Guys, this monkey mugger story could make me famous.
Me, too.Guys, this is bad.I can't do this.
So it'll be a little embarrassing.So what?
It's not that.Guys, I wasn't mugged by a monkey.
So, you weren't mugged by a monkey?
No, I wasn't.
So, what you're saying is, the monkey tricked you into giving him your wallet?
No, that's not what I'm saying.
So, you mugged the monkey?
Guys, there was no monkey! It was a human being with a gun.
Are you sure it wasn't one monkey standing on another monkey's shoulders wearing a men's trench coat?
Be about the right height.
No! I I just made that story up so that Lily wouldn't get a gun.The truth is that it never happened.
I don't buy it!
You heard me.I think you were mugged by a monkey.You just don't want to go on Robin's show, 'cause you're afraid it'll make you look like a big joke.
Well, won't it?
The biggest 'cause it's so funny.
Well, it never happened, okay? And I can lie to you guys about it, because you're my best friends.
I am, but go on.
But I can't lie about it on national TV.
Ted, you've known him the longest.Is he telling the truth?
I can't tell.He smells good.I just can't tell.
Well, I'm still saying it happened.
Maybe.But, Marshall, if you didn't get mugged by a monkey, you can't let Robin report it on her show.I mean, this could hurt her credibility.
Oh, please.Journalists lie all the time.I'm sorry, but I will believe that Jack Palance is dead when I see the body.
Okay, this may come as a shock to you, Barney, but people don't like to be lied to.
Wrong.They don't like finding out they've been lied to."Because a lie is just a great story "that someone ruined with the truth." Barney Stinson.Case in point, what that girl Sarah did to me.
You mean what you did to her.
No.I mean what she did to me.The truth is, I'm afraid the three-way story didn't go exactly as I said it did.