Narator: Kids, back to 2007, it seems like everyone belonged to these silly things called gyms. The idea was you'd pay them lots of money to run around and lift heavy things. Biggest rip-off in the world. And yet people fell for it. Including me.
rip-off 詐欺 fall for 騙される
Ted: Oh, hum, forgot my wallet.
Narator: It started with one of those moments when you realize you're not as in shape as you want to be.
Ted: That's further than it looks. Coupon's on my dresser. That's too far. Forget it. Please don't judge me.
Ted: I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?
wound up 整理する greasy 脂っこい
Barney: Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness, but I don't work out there.
Ted: What do you do?
Barney: I invest.
Barney: There goes one of my investments now. Cheryl, hard work's paying off. Keep up the good work.
Ted: So your investments... are women?
Barney: Women who, how shall I put this delicately? They fat. So, I come here, give them lots of attention now. Then when they get hot, who's the first guy they run to? The one who invested in them when they weren't.
Ted: Wow, I can't decide if I'm thoroughly disgusted or really, really impressed.
thoroughly 完全に disgust 気分を悪くさせる
Barney: Of course, not all investments pay dividends. See the girl over there at the vending machine, Tonya. She is one Kit Kat away from junk bond status.
dividend 配当 junk bond ジャンクボンド（高利回りだがリスクも高い債券）
Becky: Hey, Barney.
Barney: Becky, elliptical machine's really working for you. Nice stuff.
Barney: That one's going to reward shareholders soon. I foresee aggressive growth in my future. What up?
Robin: Wow, that makes me want to join a gym. So I can get super strong and punch you really hard in the face.
Ted: Yes, we should all do it.
Lily: Yeah, let's all punch Barney in the face.
Ted: No, I'm serious. We should totally join a gym. Come on, we put on the beer weight together, might as well take it off together.
might as well 〜する方がましだ
Robin: Or we could just stop drinking beer.
Ted: No. I say we join a gym.
Trish: Are you Marshall? Hi, I'm Trish. I'm the trainer you signed up for.
Marshall: Oh, hi. Really great to meet you, Trish.
Lily: It's a pleasure. Marshall, can I talk to you for a second?
Lily: Yeah, sweetie, I think she is... may be just a little too hot to be your trainer.
Marshall: I get it. I mean, I see what you're worried about. But this is just about me taking care of myself. You'll always be my sugar.
Trish: So, Marshall, are you ready to make a commitment to your body?
Marshall: Please, I'm all about committing to my body. I'll drive to Vermont and have a commitment ceremony to my body if you want. That was a weird thing to say.
Trish: All right. Start with 100 push-ups.
Marshall: All right, cool. How many do you want me to do?
Trish: A hundred.
Marshall: Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech, 100 push-ups, like, do a bazillion push-ups. No one can do 100.
figure of speech 比喩 bazillion 膨大な数
Trish: Do you smell that?
Trish: It smells like there's a little bitch in my gym. Are you being a little bitch in my gym?
Trish: Then get on the floor and give me 100!
Marshall: You don't have to yell at me.
yell at 気合をかける
Robin: I love it here. It's just normal women who want to get in shape. I don't have to put on makeup, do my hair, wear some trendy outfit.
Ted: Yeah, this place is great. We're meeting our friend Robin here. I hope you don't hate her. She's pretty hot.
Robin: Shut up. Lily, tell him to shut up.
Lily: I'm sorry, lesbian prison guard, do we know each other?
Barney: Ted, Lily, you'll never believe what just happened. Oh, hey, dude, I'm Barney. So I was at the smoothie bar...
Rhonda: What can I get you?
Barney: Oh, my God, Rhonda? It's Barney. Barney Stinson from Staten Island Boulevard.
Rhonda: Hey, Barney Stinson from Staten Island Boulevard. What can I get you?
Barney: I can't believe she didn't remember me.
Lily: Why? Who is she?
Barney: That's Rhonda. I lost my virginity to her.
Lily: Baby, are you still sore?
Marshall: Trish made me do 70 push-ups, but she only gave me credit for ten. Then she had me do 100 sit-ups and then she made me cry, using only her words.
Barney: It just doesn't add up. How could Rhonda not remember me?
add up 納得がいく
Ted: Well, maybe it wasn't that good for her. I mean, it was your first time.
Barney: Ted, it's me. I rocked her world. You don't believe me? Okay, story time. The year was 1998. I'd been going out with Shannon since freshman year of college. We were saving ourselves. So when we broke up there I was, 23 and still a virgin. I knew nothing about girls. So I went to the guy who knew everything about girls my brother James.
Robin: Wait, your gay brother James?
Barney: Yeah, this was before he was gay.
James: Barney... Barney, you need to find a girl and have sex with her ASAP. That is what dudes do after a breakup.
Barney: I know. I want to, but... I guess I'm just scared.
James: Of course you're scared. It's gross. The thought of doing that with a woman... But it's part of being a guy. Try thinking about baseball. Somehow I imagine those players on the field and it's over a lot faster.
Barney: But I don't know the first thing about seducing a woman. What do you...? How do you...? Where do you...?
James: Stop. Don't overthink it. You don't want to get the yips.
Barney: The yips?
James: Yeah, when you overthink simple things so much that you can't do them at all.
Barney: The yips.
James: Yeah, it happens to athletes all the time. Like the second baseman who suddenly can't throw to first or the figure skater who does a perfect triple toe loop and then loses it on the arabesque. I've actually really been getting into figure skating lately.
Barney: But, James... what woman's going to have sex with me? It's not like I'm a Backstreet Boy.
James: The Man Maker.
Barney: Rhonda "Man Maker" French was our mom's friend from down the street.
Barney: Got any kings?
Rhonda: Go fish. So, Patty, know that new paperboy? I let him throw one into my hedges, if you know what I mean. Did you see that new guy who cleans my pool? I let him snake my drain, if you know what I mean.
Rhonda: You know that Chinese food delivery boy? I had sex with him. I don't have a funny way of saying it yet. It just happened 20 minutes ago.
Barney: Of course. The Man Maker. And it'll be easier too, 'cause she knows me so well.
Rhonda: Hi, Barry.
Barney: Barney. Hi, Ms. French. I know we haven't seen each other for a while, but if there was any chance... Oh, boy.
Rhonda: You just rocked my world. That was the best sex I ever had.
Barney: That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani clad and fully awesome.
bosom 胸 stride into いきおいよく入っていく clad まとった