Robin: There's no 'p' in husband.
Ted: Wow, you seem to know a lot about husbands.
Ted: Fine, I'll take it back.
Ted: Oh, hey, since you mentioned husbands, this is great, you're gonna love this. Marshall, you know Marshall. He thinks that the reason you didn't wanna go to the mall the other day is because you got married in a mall and have a husband in Canada.
Ted: I told him he's crazy because he's crazy, right? I mean, how crazy is that?
Robin: Are you asking me if I'm married?
Ted: You can ask me. Nope, I'm not married. Your turn.
Robin: What happened to respecting my privacy?
Ted: Just say, "no, I'm not married."
Robin: Ted, I don't understand why you can't...
Ted: Just say, "no, I'm not married."
Robin: I can't. Marshall's right. I was young and I got married. It was a mistake and he moved away, but, yeah, I'm married.
Ted: You have a husband?
Robin: I was young and stupid and we got married at a mall and we broke up at a mall and I haven't been to a mall since.
Ted: Why didn't you get divorced?
Robin: He moved to Hong Kong for work and I was like, good enough.
Ted: Good... good enough. That's not good enough. You order pancakes and you get waffles, that's good enough.
Robin: I haven't seen him in years. It's just a part of my life I wanna forget. Just please don't tell anyone about this.
Barney: Your hand is monstrous.
Marshall: Well, what did you expect? You've seen my penis.
Lily: I can't believe you told us Robin's secret.
Ted: How can I keep something like that to myself? And you begged me to tell you.
Lily: No I didn't.
Lily: Please tell us, just tell us. I'm begging you. Tell us, tell us, tell us, please, please, please, please, please.
Ted: Fine, Robin's married.
Marshall: Ha ha ha.
Lily: Yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us. I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you?
Ted: See, that's just it. I'm not the boyfriend, I'm the mistress. No, not the mistress. The mastress. Master. What do you call it?
Barney: I'm pretty sure we're gonna call is mistress.
Ted: What am I gonna do? My girlfriend's married. Do I ask her to get a divorce?
Lily: Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. It's like their money or their army. Nobody takes it seriously.
Ted: It's serious to me.
Marshall: You know what, in some countries, if you've been separated for longer than five years, technically, you're no longer married. I can check it out at the law library at school.
Marshall: I can see my hand print on your face.
Barney: Don't get too cocky, Slappy. I just got a shipment of porn from Canada I have to go through.
Marshall: I won the bet. Why are you still searching?
Barney: Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong.
Lily: Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch porn.
Barney: Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go "oat" of my mind.
Marshall: Hey. Listen, dude, I gotta talk to you, but you gotta promise me that you won't tell Barney.
Ted: Fine, I won't tell Barney. What is it?
Marshall: Robin's not married.
Ted: What? Then, why would she tell me she was?
Marshall: I don't know but I cross-checked every record in Canada. There's no record of her ever being married.
Ted: There must be some mistake.
Marshall: I promise you, she's not married. She's not great at parking legally either.
Ted: So, she lied to me? What, what am I gonna do? I can't confront her 'cause then she'll know I told you.
Marshall: You gotta lawyer her. You gotta ask her a bunch of questions, try to trip her up, maybe make her feel guilty, whatever it takes to get a confession out of her.
trip someone up に悪さをする get a confession out of に白状させる
Ted: Thanks for telling me your secret. It means so much to me that you could be so, what's the word I'm looking for, honest.
Robin: Thanks Ted.
Ted: Yeah, you know what's probably the best part about your honesty? How truthful it is.
Robin: I say we just move on.
Ted: In order for me to get total closure on this whole my-girlfriend-has-a-husband thing, I think I'm gonna need a little bit more information. Like, what month did you get married?
Robin: June. We had a June wedding.
Ted: Ah, Canada in June. That's great.
Ted: Sit down or buffet.
Ted: Whoa. It's weird that you don't remember.
Robin: No, I just didn't know how to answer because we did butler hors d'oeuvres in the atrium, but the actual dinner was a buffet in the food court featuring a filet mignon or roasted potato-crusted salmon with a lobster scallion ber blanc.
Ted: Hm. Band of DJ?
Robin: String quartet played at the ceremony, but for the actual reception we had a seven-piece band. We paid extra for the sax 'cause I just love that smooth alto sound.
Ted: How many bridesmaids?
Ted: Color scheme?
Robin: Dusty rose and sienna.
Ted: Husband's name?
Ted: You were never married.
Robin: Yes I was.
Ted: No you weren't.
Robin: How do you know?
Ted: I looked it up at the library.
Robin: What library?
Ted: The one on 5th.
Robin: When did you go?
Ted: Today at lunch. And I had a an apple brie panini with potato salad....
Robin: I'm not questioning the lunch part, Ted. What database did you use?
Ted: I used the Canadian Mall Marriage 6000.
Ted: Fine, Marshall looked it up in school.
Robin: You told Marshall?
Ted: You lied to me!
Robin: See, this is why I don't tell people secrets. You were supposed to be the one person I trusted the most and even you couldn't keep a secret.
Ted: But it was a fake secret.
Robin: Yeah, I was testing you and you failed, and now you're never gonna know why I never go to the mall. And it's good too.
Ted: Testing me, that's insane.
Robin: Oh yeah, how long did it take for you to tell Marshall my biggest secret in the world?
Ted: That wasn't a real secret.
Robin: Yeah, but it could have been.
Ted: You are driving me crazy. No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong.
Robin: He moved there for business.