Kids, on a warm March evening in 2010, a New York City Police boat pulled a 34-year-old white male out of the Hudson River, your Uncle Barney.
All right, kid, let's hear the story, from the beginning.
Well, it all started a week ago.I was making time at the local watering hole.Enter, a dame.
Nothing sexier than a man in a fine cravat.
Except for a woman who appreciates a fine cravat.
How about we just call it a tie?
You see, a cravat is a kind of tie.
I get it.
Anyway, next thing you know, I get her back to my place.
Barney, when I get in bed with a man, my body becomes a machine, fueled by desire and lust and a singular hunger to satisfy my lover's every carnal need.
lust 性欲 singular 異常な carnal 肉欲の
Good thing the cleaning lady's coming tomorrow.
Well, good night.
What? Wait, what? I thought your body was gonna become a machine, fueled by desire, lust, and a singular hunger to satisfy my every carnal need?
You know, I really think that Don and I are hitting our stride as a news team.
hit one's stride 本領を発揮する
Well, all credit goes to this lady on my left.
Well, come on.
That story you did on which rodents to avoid on the subway
The answer may surprise you.It's all of them.
I got to run, okay?
I'll see you.
It's good to meet you.
Yeah, you too.Okay.Bye, Don.Okay, Robin, that guy is awesome.He's funny.He's smart.He's handsome.You got to scoop him up before someone else does.
I hope you're not talking about you?
It has been four months since you broke up with Barney.Maybe it's time to put yourself back out there.
Yeah, exactly.Barney's dating again, and he couldn't be happier.
I couldn't be more unhappy.All night long, she's hot and heavy for me.I get her back to my place, and she just bolts? I mean, at least, when I run out on a girl, I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first.It's called manners.
bolt 急に飛び出す run out on 逃げ出す courtesy 礼儀
Sounds like she read that book, Of Course You're Still Single.Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut.Well, it It's this book that helps single girls find a husband.It's Robin's copy.I've just I've leafed through it a little bit.
Is that right?
Well - Really?
Men Are From Mars
Okay! Okay! Fine! Barney, when you were with this girl, did she suddenly slip the word sex into the conversation?
I'm in the inter-sex-tion, and I only have a couple of sex, before the light changes.Anyway, everyone's honking at me.And it totally sex.But, I can't turn around, because a jogger slipped and fell in horse sex-crement.
Go on.Go on.
Did she make excuses to establish physical contact with you?
Is this cashmere?
Cashmere? This is handspun virgin Merino.The fibers in this suit are less than 12 microns thick.
Twelve microns? I love a tiny fiber.
Well, you're in luck.'Cause mine's the tiniest.And the more you touch it, the softer it gets.
She did that, too!
Now, here's the final test.Next time you see her, ask her out for the following night.The book says that's forbidden.So, she'll probably give you some lame excuse, like this, Oh, I can't do anything tomorrow tonight, I've already made plans to clean my garbage disposal and treat myself to a bubble bath.But how about next week some time?
Aha! You're trying that, Of Course You're Still Single.Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut crap on me!
It's not crap! Of Course You're Still Single.Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut is a brilliant book.And, it scares away guys who are only interested in getting laid.
scare away 追い払う
Why not just say you have a kid?
You'd be surprised how many jerks there are out there.That's why the book says, Never sleep with a guy on the first date.
Or the second date.
Or the third date.
Or the fourth date.
Would you tell me how many dates?
Excuse me, is anyone using this?
Yep.Here it is.No sex until after 17 dates.
Barney, if you're not gonna take her out on 17 dates, - I think you should just give it up.
Oh, no.I'm not the one who's gonna give it up, she is.Because thanks to Ted's book
It's Robin's book.
I can stay two steps ahead of her at all times.There's a loophole in here somewhere, and I'm gonna find it.
Oh, hey, Don.
Listen, do you want to go out Saturday night?
Is he asking you out? Say yes! Say yes!
Look, Don, listen, it's really sweet of you to ask.And you're a great guy.
Yes, I'll go out with you.
Robin, are you okay?
Um, I just have a little cold.That's probably what you're hearing.But Saturday night sounds great.We can even go to a steak house.And you can bring home some prime rib for my friend Marshall.Okay, got to go.Love you, bye.
What the hell are you thinking?
Robin, you've got to do this, okay? A great guy like Don is rare.And speaking of rare, prime rib.Don't forget.Thank you.
Oh, my God.I don't believe it! Guys, this is her! She wrote the book! Huh.Her name must be Anita.Okay, my plan was to sleep with her.But this changes everything.New plan, I'm going to sleep with her.
Boy, this girl that Barney's going after, she kind of sounds like the anti-Barney.I love how the universe decided to bring those two together.
Actually, Anita's going after Barney because I told her to.
Wait, you sicced Anita on Barney? How do you even know her?
She was on my show.
But, um, if you had to summarize your book, in 30 words or less.
I'll summarize it in one word, Robin.And that word is no.By saying no constantly and consistently, you empower yourself while simultaneously turning any jerk into a submissive, sniveling, puddle of a man.
consistently 一貫して empower 力を与える simultaneously 同時に submissive 従順な snivel すすり泣く puddle of 一たまりの
Hmm.And isn't that every girl's dream.After the break, we're gonna talk about your new book, Of Course You Don't Have a Retirement Plan Yet.Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut.Due out in June.We'll be right back.
We're clear.You guys want any coffee?
Thank you.Oh, you know what, Mike, that'd be great.
What about you, Robin? You dating anyone?
Oh.Dating's not really my bag right now.
Uh-oh.Did somebody break your heart?
And then, I told her everything.It just came pouring out.And by the end of it, she said
This Barney needs to be taught a lesson.You say the word and I will destroy him.
What do you mean?
I can use the power of no to break your friend Barney.Just say the word.
Come on.That stuff doesn't really work, does it?
I didn't know what you wanted, so I got you a cappuccino, an espresso, a latte, a decaf Oh, hi, Robin.And this is a Turkish coffee.
Thank you, Mike.Think about it.