Narator: Kids, on my first day as a college professor, there were two things I didn't know that I wish did. The first thing was that your mother was in that classroom. The second thing? Well, to explain that we have to go back to the beginning of the summer. When, after a year of wrestling with their feelings for each other, Barney and Robin finally, well...
Robin: Lily! All we need is your indoor "whoo."
Lily: Sorry. Whoo! It's just they kissed! They're finally a couple. Oh, my God, you guys! This is our first double date! First of millions! What if our kids get married?! Oh I love this!
Barney: Yeah, Lily, listen.
Robin: Barney's awesome.
Barney: Robin's more than just awe-"some." She's awe-"quite a bit." She's awe-"a whole darn lot."
Lily: Wait, what are you saying?
Robin: We're just not feeling it right now. But we'll totally still be friends.
Barney: Oh yeah.
Lily: Is it something I did?
Robin: Oh no, no, no. God, no. Lily, it's not you. It's us.
Barney: Yeah, It's us. You understand, right?
Lily: Sure, of course. As long as you're happy, I'm happy.
Lily: We were gonna take cooking lessons together and we were gonna go on camping trips together and then we were gonna sit around telling funny stories about our cooking lessons and our camping trips.
Marshall: I know. I Know. So... has the boat sailed on sex tonight or...
Narator: After that, the summer went by way too fast. Until all of a sudden, it was the Friday before my first day as a college professor.
Ted: Wow! What's this?
Marshall: It's just a little something that we got for you that used to belong to my favourite professor of all time. Ted opens the box.
Ted: A fedora! I'm Indiana Jones! I'm Indiana Jones!!
Barney: That, my friend, is the Dominator 8000, the best bullwhip on the market, according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy.
Ted: You know what we should do? We should...
Marshall: Finish our drinks, go out in the alley, and whip stuff.
Ted: God... you just get me.
Robin: OK, I should get going. I got a date.
Barney: You're still seeing that guy?
Robin: Even better, seeing him naked.
Robin and Barney: What!
Barney: I should go, too. I hooked up with this Chinese girl last night and I don't know, it's weird. I already feel like seconds.
Marshall: OK Ted, You got first whip!
Ted: All right. Hey, dummy. What did tell you about smoking in here?
Marshall: Make him whip the habit! I'so excited about this whip! I got whip fever! Just whip him, Ted! Don't even aim! Just whip him!
Ted: I'm so sorry.
Marshall: It's just the whip's not a toy. There's such a thing as common sense, you know.
common sense あたりまえのこと
Ted: You can whip me if you want.
Marshall: I will, some other time.
Lily: So, how long has this been going on?
Barney: All summer.
Lily: I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend.
Barney and Robin: Wow, wow...
Robin: Slow your roll there, Lilypad.
Slow your roll =To calm down.
Barney: Yeah, yeah.
Lily: You've been together all summer. I don't get it.
Robin: Ok, It's like this. After we kissed, we sat down to have the talk.
Robin: We should figure out what this is.
Barney: Yes, we should. Or. Or...
Robin: Okay, now, we have to figure this out.
Barney: Yes, we do. Or. Or...
Robin: We kept trying to have the talk and then we realized we hate the talk.
Barney: Yeah, the talk sucks. You have to, like, talk. And be all, "I don't know. It's not that I don't like you. It's just that I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time. I hope it doesn't make you mad." Who needs it?
Lily: You needs it. Guys, you can't just keep hooking up and not at least try and figure out what you mean to each other.
Robin: Yeah, we knew you would say that. That's why we kept it a secret.
Barney: Well, that and the fact that elaborate lies really turn us on.
Lily: No, no, no. You need to define the relationship. You need to have the talk.
Barney: Or. Or...
Ted: I know what you're all thinking. Who's this cool peer of mine up in front the class?" I know the board says "Professor Mosby," but to you I'm Ted. Question. Awesome. Hit it.
Blond Girl: Yeah, here's my question, "Ted," who the hell do you think you are?
A boy: Yeah Ted, we're supposed to learn from you? You failed as an architect.
Another boy: And if you're a professor, where's your hat and your whip?
Ted: They're at home. I...
Another girl: And where are your pants?
Ted: Oh, God. Barney, it was awful. I was teaching...
Barney: Ted, now's not a good time. Where do you keep your condoms?
Ted: I am freaking out. I don't think I can do this.
Barney: Okay, look, mistake number 1 was taking that girl's question. You don't take questions on the first day. It shows weakness. Mistake number 2 was you should've hit that. Dude, your pants were already off, you had a classroom full of people to cheer you on, and you can't knock her up 'cause it's a dream. Class dismissed.
Marshall: Mistake number 3, dude, where was the hat? Cause if you're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back.
Lily: I think what Barney's saying is that definitions are important. You're their teacher, not their friend.
Lily: If people don't know their place, nobody's happy.
know one's place 身の程をわきまえる
Lily: You have to make things clear.
Barney: Run, tell that.
Lily: Define the relationship.
Barney: Yes! No! Lily, private convo time.
Barney: Lily, can't you just let us be happy?
Lily: You're not happy. You just think you're happy because you feel happy.
Barney: And that's not happy?
Lily: Of course not. You and Robin need to have the talk.
Barney: Why? Give me one good reason.
Lily: I'll give you 20...
Barney: Waow, You can't even think of one. Headlights. Dear. Lily, for the last time, things with me and Robin are as good as they can possibly be. Oh, hey, look, Brad's here.
Brad: (to Robin) I've got two tickets to the Rangers/Canucks game tomorrow night. I know you're a hockey fan, so I was thinking...
Robin: Euh, oh, hum, heu...
Brad: What do I have to do? Put a gun to your head? Buy you a six pack?
Robin: Come on, Brad, that's... Wow, There's really six of them. But, I can't.
Brad: Why not? You have a boyfriend?
Robin: No. No, no boyfriend.
Brad: Great! It's a date.
Brad: Hey Barn!
Barney: Hey Brad.
Lily: I just thought of a reason.