Narator: Kids, I remember one time we all gathered at my apartment to watch the Superbowl. Well, not all of us...
TV anchor: "Welcome back to Superbowl XLIV in Miami. Get a load of that guy! You think that's his real number?"
Ted: Well, that explains where Barney is.
Robin: Dibs on his wings!
Barney: Hey, guys!
Barney: Does anyone know who won the Superbowl?
Marshall: You were there. It was the...
Barney: I won! Because I'm now in possession of a magic phone that always rings. And you know who's always usually on the other end? A chick. So how many chicks do I have calling me now? Infinity! Guys, remember Ranjit?
Ted: Hey, Ranjit!
Marshall: Good to see you.
Barney: OK I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women and I don't want to take the subway cause... you know... germs!
enlist 協力を求める germ 細菌
Ted: Wait, you're... you're actually gonna hook up with these girls that call you?
Barney: Oh, indubitably! I'm meeting the first one here any minute. Keep your eyes pealed for a red sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic and want to 96 me, semi-colon and parenthesis.
indubitably 間違いなく peel はぐ dyslexic 失読疾患症 parenthesis 挿入語句
Ted: This ought to be good. I can only imagine the quality of girls...
Red-sweater girl: Hi, you ARE the guy from the Superbowl.
Barney: Magic phone, guys. Magic phone!
Robin: Oh, hey guys, hey Ranjit.
Marshall: How's it going?
Ted: That beer looks a little flat.
Robin: Nuh, it's scotch.
Ted: Something troubling you, kiddo?
Robin: Hhhhh Don.
Narator: Don was Aunt Robin's co-host on her morning show. Now even though her show was on so early that noone watched, Aunt Robin was a consummate professional. But Don was not.
Don: Oh yeahh!
Narator: But that morning, Don had gone too far.
Robin: Now that's what I call having a woof over your head. Don. DON?
Don: Why is "Ulee's Gold" in every crossword? On to me? Sorry, sorry... Next Sunday is Valentine's Day. And one lucky patient will be receiving a very special chocolate heart: a human heart. OK, that reminds me, I've been meaning to ask you... Robin, do you have any Valentine's Day plans?
Lily: He asked you out?
Robin: He asked me out.
Ted: That's crazy! And they use "Ulee" because of the vowels.
Marshall: What did you say?
Robin: Well we were on the air, I was on the spot, so I said OK.
Lily: Oh, oh, oh!
Marshall: Robin, you're gonna marry this man so freaking hard, right in the butt.
Robin: What? Nooo I HATE Don. And now I can't cancel because I said I would go out with him on the air.
Marshall: What would your viewers think?
Ted: Wow wow wow, you said you'd go out with him on Valentine's? I thought we had plans!
Robin: Getting drunk and cleaning the apartment was a plan?
Ted: I did NOT...say... it was a good plan.
Barney: Guys, guys, guys, we're on me now. And it is getting in-teh-resting. Looks at these texts. Read this one. Yowza! Now look at this one. Does she text her mother with those fingers? Now look at this one... or this one, or this one, or this one, or...
Ted: OK OK OK buddy, how about you do this? Go nail that girl, then read your texts.
Barney: I can't do that, Ted. I just can't hook up with a girl if there is a hotter girl out there with whom up can be hooked.
Lily: Isn't there always a hotter girl?
Barney: I know, isn't it wonderful? Go for Barney. Cut to the chase, what's your cup size?...Oh, hi Mom!
Cut to the chase 要点を言う
Ted: So there's a hotter girl. Isn't that the problem in a nutshell? There's too many options. You got internet dating, you got bars...
Lily: Holding up your phone number on national TV.
Ranjit: I never had that problem. When I was 18, I had an arranged marriage. And I love my wife more and more every day.
Marshall: It is true. It's very rare that two people just meet and fall madly in love... like Robin and Don.
Robin: Oh but we're not even like going out for dinner, we're just hanging out at his place.
All of them: Ooohhh ahh!
Robin: No, it's not like that. It's just us and a bunch of other people.
All the them: Wooooooo!...
Lily: Wait, Robin, what exactly did Don say when he asked you out?
Don: I'm having some friends over at my place for a party. You should come by if you want.
Robin: Errrrrrr...I... OK.
Lily: Robin, Don didn't ask you out.
Robin: Err, of course he asked me out.
Ted: Err no he didn't.
Robin: Yes, he did. He did. He did. He DID!
Marshall: Well, dog my cats! I think I know what's going on here. Robin... did you WANT Don to ask out?
dog my cats やれやれ
Robin: Whaaat?!! Nooo, I HATE Don! I-I-I can't stop thinking how much I hate him, it's like, it's like... all the time. I just wanna attack him and rip his stupid clothes off and spank him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. SHUT UP!!
Ted: See! That right there is what free will gets you. Constant ego-shattering uncertainty. I'm done with that. I want what Ranjit has. I've spent my entire adult life looking for the perfect woman and I'm spending Valentine's Day scrubbing the toilet. I need someone else to find me that woman. Marshall, Lily, arrange-marriage me!
Barney: Or this one, or this one, or this one...
Marshall: You want us to arrange your marriage?
Ted: Absolutely. Looks there's two sides to dating, right? Picking and getting picked. Getting picked, I'm good at. Ladies looove Teddy Westside.
Marshall: You're waiting for me to comment on your self-assigned nickname? Well, here's my comment. I love it.
Marshall: Teddy Westside? Continue.
Ted: It's the picking, I suck at. I pick the wrong girls. But you guys, you're the best pickers I know. You picked each other.
Lily: Oh well with the slight assist from the Wesleyan housing department.
Marshall: And a healthy splash of Drakkar Noir.
Ted: Get out there and find me a girl. We'll double date on Valentine's Day. If I like her, I will marry her... if she's cool with it. And she will be. Cause I'll wear my nice blazer.
Marshall: I love that blazer. Almost as much as Robin loves Don.
Robin: I do not love Don.
Marshall: Robin, neurologically speaking, the part of the human brain that makes you hate people is located right next to the part of the brain that makes you want to jump people's bones. The two responses are so similar, it's hard to tell them apart.
Ted: You know what it's like? Wait, I have to get a book. Give me 30 seconds.