Kids, when you're in your 20s, dating is great.But by the time you reach your 30s, you find out pretty fast everyone has baggage.Sure you can stick to the small talk, and pretend it's not there, but sooner or later
Oh! It's my ex.Sorry, we're trying to remain friends.Hi, pumpkin.Did you get our tickets to Maui?
Yeah, it's there.That spring, I had just started dating a girl named Royce.She was smart, beautiful
Blah, blah, blah, we're very happy together.
Exactly.That's the problem.
What is it, too much?
Or is it an issue of access?
No.The but is, there's always gonna be a but.No matter how great things are going, sooner or later, it's gonna get ruined.
When she turns 30.
When I find out what her baggage is.It's there.I don't know what it is, but when I do, party's over.
Whoa! Ted, please tell me you are not impugning emotional baggage.
Baggage is a good thing?
Emotional baggage is the bedrock of America's most important cultural export.
Actually, it's porn.Only women with major baggage go into porn.
Ted, everyone has baggage, you just gotta look past it.
Really? 'Cause the last time I looked past a girl's baggage, that baggage belonged to a girl named Stella, and Oh, I'm drawing a blank here.How did that work out again?
draw a blank 失敗に終わる
Here's how it worked out.I asked her to marry me, she said yes.We were happy.But then the day of the wedding, her karate instructor ex-boyfriend, Tony Grafanello, showed up, declared his love for her, and Stella ran off with him to California, leaving me utterly and completely heartbroken.
Ted, look, what happened with Stella was awful.But that doesn't mean anyone with baggage is undateable.
Well, I'm just glad that we met young enough that I don't have any baggage.
I do not.
Definitely do not.
I just don't like it when she picks me up.
And you know what your biggest baggage is? You're too nice.
How is being nice baggage?
Have you ever seen you walk down the street?
I don't even know how to answer that.
Well, let me help you out.
Michael.Javier.Marcello.Suzanne.Hey, Deng.Let me help you with that.That ought to do it.Oh, guys, no.I could not today.It would just be
There is only one street where that is normal.Here's a hint, a giant yellow bird lives on it.
Well, I'll be pretty happy if Royce's only baggage is that she's too nice.
Too nice? That is the worst kind of baggage.Best baggage, hates her dad, and thinks she's fat but isn't.Angry sex on the first date, and then as soon as you mention breakfast, she's gone.Why do you guys hang out with me?
That night, on my date with Royce, I kept waiting to see what her baggage would be.
So is spaghetti your specialty?
No.The main event is my pancakes.I'll make them for you sometime.They are insane.
My dad used to make multi-grain pancakes.He's the one who got me working in porn.You know PORN, Parents Offering Recreation and Nutrition.It's a charity for inner-city teens who don't have access to sports or healthy food.That reminds me, I killed my brother with this joke I told him last night.A barber, a stripper and a Jew lliard-trained violinist, walked into a bar.
I looked and looked and looked, but it really appeared as though there was no baggage to worry about.Until we went to go see a movie.
Hey, what took you guys so long?
Nothing.Forget about it.
We were on our way here, and Marshall wanted to stop and help some guys load their moving van.
To be nice.Didn't cost nothing.
And when the moving van drove away, who should show up but the owner of the apartment we had just helped some guys rob.And that one was hard to explain to the police.
See, Marshall, this is what I mean.You can't treat New York City like it's the small, friendly, crime-free, inbred, backwoods, Podunk, cow-tipping Minnesota hickville where you grew up.
Crime-free? Crime-free? In 1994, the cashier from the feed store was held up at hoe-point.And besides, I like being friendly, okay? I'm not gonna change that about myself.
No, don't change, baby.I think it's sweet.Sweet, sweet, sweet mother of God.He's an idiot sometimes.He actually lent the burglars gas money.
He gave them money?
Not gave, lent.They said that they would send us a check, so Marshall gave them our address.What's to stop them from coming to our apartment one night, and maybe tying me up? I mean, sure, Marshall and I like to pretend, but the reality is scary.
Why don't you say something to him?
What's the point? He's from Minnesota.His high school mascot was a hug.
Hey, how'd the date with Royce go?
It was interesting.We went to see that new movie, The Wedding Bride.
Oh! How was it? Not that I care.I mean, it's a chick flick.This one will probably drag me to it, like the 7:10 show tomorrow night, or 9:40 because I have that meeting, but I can probably get out of it, so let's try for the 7:10.
What's that movie about, anyway?
That's the interesting part.
Hey, bonehead! I'm Jed Mosley.I'm the most powerful and corrupt architect in New York.I That's gonna leave a mark!
It's about me.
The Wedding Bride is about you?
Okay, are you sure it's about you? Because when I saw Spaceballs - for the first time, I could've sworn -
This movie is about me, Marshall.It was written by Tony Grafanello.
Tony Grafanello? That's
Yeah, the guy that Stella left me for.This movie is the whole story of our breakup.
Why would he write a movie about that? Isn't he the bad guy in that story?
Yeah, and the good guy is a guy named Ted Mosby.
Funny, that was my memory of it, too.But, according to the movie
Mr.Mosley, your fiance is here.
Great.The old ball and chain.I can't wait to make her move out of her beautiful house in New Jersey and come live with me in an apartment above a bar.Send her in.Ah, Stella.To what do I owe the pleasure?
We're supposed to taste wedding cakes this afternoon, remember?
Ouch! No-can-do's-ville, babydoll.Whoa!