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How I met your mother ƒV[ƒYƒ“6yŒ´‘čzFalse Positive

Robin: You are looking at the new coin flip bimbo.

Ted: You took the Heads or tails job?

Robin: Yeah.

Ted: What about World Wide News, your I.D. badge? You made a New Year's resolution.

Robin: Okay, I also said I would never make out with a garbage man. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. What's with the gingerbread house?

Ted: We're seeing a Christmas movie. It's a Christmas-themed movie snack.

Robin: Let's hope Santa brings you a girlfriend this year, Teddy.

Ted: Where the hell is Barney?

Narator: Where was Barney? Let's back up again. You see, while this was going on...

Marshall & Lily: It's positive.

Narator:...This was happening.

Robin: And now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab.

Barney: Hey, guys. A yuletide riddle. What is my second favorite word that begins with b-o-n?

yuletide ƒNƒŠƒXƒ}ƒX riddle ‚Č‚ź‚Š‚Ż

Ted: Bon Jovi?

Barney: Yeah. What is my third favorite word that begins with b-o-n? Bonus. As in, my end-of-the-year bonus check.

Ted: My God, Barney! I work for GNB, too. All I got was $15 gift card to Costa Coffee.

Barney: And you earned it, buddy. Check out what I'm gonna buy for myself. The dibiase. See those pinstripes? Diamonds. It is the uppest a person could ever suit.

Ted: Uh, has it ever occurred to you to give some of this to charity?

Barney: Charity? You're seriously talking to me about charity? Dude, I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over-thirties... I am the bill and Melinda gates of the sympathy bang.

chubster ‘̏d’´‰ß‚ľ‚˝l

Marshall: Hey, guys. Big announcement.

Ted: Let me guess. You got a huge bonus check, too.

Marshall: No, just a $30 gift card to Costa Coffee.

Ted: Thirty?!

Lily: I'm pregnant.

Robin: What?!

Barney: What?! I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry, force of habit. Congratulations!

Barney: Huh. Marshall and Lily are doing something meaningful. And it's making me less happy about this bonus. And I'm still single. At least I got that going for me. So why do I still feel outside of awesome looking in? What am I doing with my life?

Marshall: we've never been happier. can't imagine bringing me down right now.

Barney: Oh, Marshall, you only think you're happy. Just wait, because tonight, is Barney's Favorite Things!

Narator: That was the reaction Barney expected. This was the one he got.

Marshall: Huh? I don't know what that is.

Barney: Barney's Favorite Things! I'm gonna give you all a bunch of free stuff... like Oprah. Just get excited, okay?

Narator: The next hour got pretty weird.

Barney: Velour track suits!

Marshall: Velour is so comfortable. They're so soft.

Barney: Remote control helicopters! Condoms! And last but not least... There is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to... A strip club! You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You're gonna give me a lap dance! Everybody gets a lap dance!

Barney: That was amazing! It was like a diamond suit for my soul. I gotta keep going. I gotta do more.

Ted: No. No! I cannot go back to that strip club. I seen some things.

Barney: I'm not going back either. I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.

Narator: The next day, he paid a visit to the most charitable man he knew, his half-brother's father, Sam Gibbs, a minister at a church out on Long Island.

Barney: Sam. Uh, father. I-I don't mean father father. Unless...

Sam: What's up, Barney?

Barney: I'm thinking about giving some money to charity.

Sam: Is that the name of the stripper you've been e-mailing me about? You got to take me off that list, Barney.

Barney: No, I don't mean that charity. That charity is doing peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail.What up!

Sam: Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.

Barney: I-I recently started giving, and it felt surprisingly good. I want to do more.

Sam: Well, now you're talking. We have this program that helps those in need get back on their feet. We give them food, a place to live, clothes for job interviews.

Barney: Well, I would love to help by writing a check for... one, zero, zero, zero...

Doctor: You're not pregnant.

Barney:...Zero... Woops. Hold on a second. Wait. They're not doing something meaningful with their lives. Well, this changes everything. Oh, no, I've already written four zeroes. Thank you, decimal point. One hundred dollars.

Sam: That's great. Thank you, Barney!

Barney: Diamond suited up. Hey, Ted, can you spot me for the movie? I don't like to carry a lot of cash on me.

Ted: What happened to giving the money away?

Barney: Yeah, that was back when Lily was pregnant. Now she's not. Ergo, a suit is born. Dude, what's up with the gingerbread house? You look ridiculous!

Ted: It's a Christmas-themed movie snack!

Barney: Ah, I know that move. You cut a hole in the floor, she reaches into the living room, finds the tree... Nice.

Ted: Where the hell are Marshall and Lily?

Narator: Let's back up one last time.

Lily: I'm pregnant.

Robin: What?!

Barney: What?! I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry, force of habit. Congratulations!

Marshall: This is great. I'm happy. I'm so happy, my heart's pounding. And I'm sweating. And I can't breathe. This is what happiness feels like, right? Oh, crap. Lily's having a baby and I'm having a panic attack. I hope she can't tell what I'm thinking right now.

Lily: I can. And I'm freaking out, too! There's an alien growing in my stomach that's gonna explode out of my vagina!

Marshall: Do you think the others can tell we're freaking out?

Robin: What am I doing with my life?

Barney: What am I doing with my life?

Ted: I should get a Christmas-themed movie snack for tomorrow night.

Marshall: They're totally onto us. What do we do?

onto Š´‚Ă‚­

Lily: Just keep smiling, maybe wave. No, don't wave! That makes no sense!

Marshall: I'm committed. I'm riding this wave straight to hell.

Lily: Let's leave, then the waving will make sense.

Narrator: So Marshall and Lily headed home.

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